A lot of people would say that beginning something new is hardest. For example: writing your first blog post. Well that’s not the case here as the main reason I finally decided to create this site is to vent my issues.
I’ve got nowhere else to vent because Julia just tells me to suck it up and my friends all call me a cry baby. So, you get to enjoy my rants
For example: just last week, I woke up on a sunny Saturday morning with Daiquiri (my cat) shoving his privates on my throat and crying for food while my better half was getting dressed and laughing at such *special* bond I have with such a poor excuse for a cat (he’s afraid of small insects, yes REALLY).
Anyway, I got into my morning routine – feed the cat, get my coffee, try and get my brain fired up enough to engage in a routine conversation, and I just smiled. I smiled because today is the day I get my new shiny iPad Air! It’s the new technological marvel that will allow me to read my articles while I am sitting on the can, and perhaps some other work related stuff… but that’s not important.
My smile didn’t last long, I got a friendly reminder from the love of my life (devil woman) of all the tasks I have to do around the house. But okay, no problem. I’ll get this sorted nice and fast. So I eat my breakfast and get ready to cut the grass. While exiting the garage I see my neighbor, lets call him Bob. So Bob is a middle aged fellow with a gigantic beer gut and a very long nose that he loves to stick everywhere, and I mean everywhere!
So I yell “Hi neighbour”, like a good neighbor that I am and get in the START position when i hear from across the street “Hey Mike, your shoe laces are undone. You’re going to fall flat on your face. You wouldn’t want to do that… again!” Ahh such lovely neighborhood, everyone watching out for each other.
Anyway I cut the grass, I clean up the garage, I throw out the trash, do all kind of minor things I’m supposed to do and… I’m done. I’m good to go to Jamestown and in 30 minutes I’ll have a sweet technological miracle in my hands. So I kiss the wifey, I punt the kitty and I’m off.
Get in the car and start .. nope. Starrrt.. denied. Staaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… (enter profanity here). The bloody thing won’t budge and I am exactly opposite of a car expert. So I pop the hood, wiggle all kinds of things around while cursing and praying for a miracle. Somehow upon next attempt engine started right away so I felt like a bad ass, a man, I can fix everything!
Before heading out of town I remember to pick up some supplies from a store to make sure I don’t forget on my way back. I didn’t notice how much I got my hands dirty, smudges everywhere, oh well. So I get into the store, get all the stuff, smile at the pretty cashier who just kept on giggling, pay for my stuff and I’m off.
I felt pretty good and I hit the pedal driving nice and fast on my way out of town when all of a sudden an old lady, let’s call her Mrs. Doubtfire, tries to walk quickly over while its green light for me. So I hit the brakes, and the tiers roar like dragons which made the whole neighborhood look my way. I mean everybody, and when I say everybody I mean people of all ages and their pets looking through the windows, cars, other side of the street. Like aliens landed and they all want to be a part of this magnificent moment in human history.
So I apologize to Mrs. Doubtfire, ask if she is okay and did I scare her. She says yes, gives me a strict look and shakes her head. Well I can understand that, I just nearly run the old hag over. Eventually I reach the store in Jamestown and upon entering I notice everyone is giggling, I ask an employer what gives so he takes a picture of me and keeps laughing. I accidentally smeared a penis on my face. Oh..my..god..
You see this would generally be funny, but I live in a lovely small town. I get my tablet, and drive home. Upon arrival I notice dozen cars all around my driveway. My mind starts wondering “Oh my god what happened?”. As I enter the house I see Bob, couple more neighbors, towns folk. And the shouting begins “How dare you walk around the town with that thing on your face, what the hell is wrong with you?!”. “Why are you driving like a maniac, Mrs. Doubtfire nearly had a heart attack!” And questions continue, why did I just leave the scene, why did I flirt with cashier. I try to explain myself and that Mrs. Doubtfire was fine and I’ve just left the town to get the tablet “A tablet?!, A TABLET?!!”
Eventually everyone leaves the house, I’m pissed as f*ck and my wife is just standing there and laughing. “Oh Mike moving to a small town was such an amazing idea.”
Well yeah, it is. Everyone knows you, and everyone talks about you. I will now probably be known as Fast and Furious d*ckface Mike. I was upset as hell already by how little everyone respected privacy around here, I said to her that if anyone else pokes their nose into my business we’re moving.
I grabbed a beer, sat on the porch to relax and I hear a lady from other side of the street “Mike, your shoestring’s untied!”