Moving In

I thought to myself today “One of questions my dearest readers might have is how come I’ve decided to live in Chautauqua, or where I was before.” So why no write about that.

I lived in Cleveland all of my life. Was raised there, finished school, had my first girlfriend and so on. I was pretty happy living there but you could say I lived in sort of a bad neighborhood. Once I’ve got married Julia and I started talking about having kids, problem was we didn’t want to raise him there. So we talked, A LOT. And we researched, A LOT.
There were a lot of places we liked but none really stood out so we just kept postponing and researching. Until we got pregnant, then it was time to panic. But Julia soon got a marvelous idea, moving to her tiny home town I’ve never even heard of.

houseforsaleI checked the pictures online, place looked nice. Checked house prices, they weren’t too high. They had everything a growing child could need and amazing nature was surrounding the town. “Hell this is awesome!” I shouted. Why didn’t we think of this earlier, small town like this will surely feel like we’re spending our lives on vacation.

It did not.

One would be surprised how differently people act in smaller towns. In city everyone minds their own business, no one would probably help you even if you’re getting mugged on the street in middle of the day. In small town everyone would jump and smack the thieving bastard, then the whole town would hear about it, talk about it, make story twists to it. Small town is pretty much like a female hair salon where everyone just talks about what everyone else is doing wrong.

Anyway we came, we liked, we bought, and we live in a dream. Well, would be if folk stopped knocking on our doors every 20 minutes.

Recent Events

A lot of people would say that beginning something anew is hardest, for example a start to your blog post. Well that is not the case here as the main reason I finally decided to create this site is to vent my issues.

For example just last week. I woke up on a sunny Saturday morning with Daiquiri (my cat) shoving his privates on my throat and crying for food while my better half was getting dressed and laughing at such *special* bond I have with such a poor excuse for a cat (he’s afraid of small insects, yes REALLY).

Anyway I perform my morning routine, feed the cat, get my coffee and I just smile. I smile because today is the day I get my new shiny iPad Air, the new incredible technology that will assist me in reading my articles while I am sitting on the can, and perhaps some other work related stuff but that’s not important.

My smile didn’t last long, I got a reminder from the love of my life (devil woman) of all the tasks I have to do around the house. But okay, no problem getting this sorted nice and fast. So I eat my breakfast and get ready to cut the grass. While exiting garage I see my neighbor, lets call him Bob. So Bob is a middle aged fellow with a gigantic beer gut and a very long nose that he loves to stick everywhere, and I mean everywhere!

cutting grass

So I greet the man like a good neighbor that I am and get in the START position when i hear from across the street “Hey Mike, your shoestring’s untied!” Ahh such lovely neighborhood, everyone watching out for each other.

Anyway I cut the grass, I clean up the garage, I throw the trash, do all kind of minor things and I’m done. I’m good to go to Jamestown and in 30 minutes I’ll have a sweet technological miracle in my hands. So I kiss the wifey, I punt the kitty and I’m off.

Get in the car and start .. nope. Starrrt.. denied. Staaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… (enter profanity here). Bloody thing won’t budge and I am exactly opposite of a car expert. So I pop the hood all upset, wiggle all kinds of things around while cursing and praying for a miracle. Somehow upon next attempt engine started right away so I felt like a bad ass, a man, I can fix everything!

Before heading out of town I remember to pick up some supplies from a nearby store to make sure I don’t forget on my way back. I didn’t notice how much I got my hands dirty, smudges everywhere, oh well. So I get into the store, get all the stuff, smile at the pretty cashier who just kept on giggling, pay for my stuff and I’m off.

doubtfireI felt pretty good and I hit the pedal driving nice and fast on my way out of town when all of a sudden an old lady, let’s call her Mrs. Doubtfire, tries to walk quickly over while its green light for me. So I hit the brakes, and the tiers roar like dragons which made the whole neighborhood look my way. I mean everybody, and when I say everybody I mean people of all ages and their pets looking through the windows, cars, other side of the street. Like aliens landed and they all want to be a part of this magnificent moment in human history.

So I apologize to Mrs. Doubtfire, ask if she is okay and did I scare her. She says yes, gives me a strict look and shakes her head. Well I can understand that, I just nearly run the old hag over. Eventually I reach the store in Jamestown and upon entering I notice everyone is giggling, I ask an employer what gives so he takes a picture of me and keeps laughing. I accidentally smeared a penis on my face. Oh..my..god..

You see this would generally be funny, but I live in a lovely small town. I get my tablet, and drive home. Upon arrival I notice dozen cars all around my driveway. My mind starts wondering “Oh my god what happened?”. As I enter the house I see Bob, couple more neighbors, towns folk. And the shouting begins “How dare you walk around the town with that thing on your face, what the hell is wrong with you?!”. “Why are you driving like a maniac, Mrs. Doubtfire nearly had a heart attack!” And questions continue, why did I just leave the scene, why did I flirt with cashier. I try to explain myself and that Mrs. Doubtfire was fine and I’ve just left the town to get the tablet “A tablet?!, A TABLET?!!”

Eventually everyone leaves the house, I’m pissed as f*ck and my wife is just standing there and laughing. “Oh Mike moving to a small town was such an amazing idea.”

Well yeah, it is. Everyone knows you, and everyone talks about you. I will now probably be known as Fast and Furious d*ckface Mike. I was upset as hell already by how little everyone respected privacy around here, I said to her that if anyone else pokes their nose into my business we’re moving.

I grabbed a beer, sat on the porch to relax and I hear a lady from other side of the street “Mike, your shoestring’s untied!”

Living the dream

A lot of time has passed since my last blog post. I can say things are progressing rather well.

Neighbors daughter is taking care of Mike Jr. and Daiquiri the days Julia and I work during same hours. I’ve managed to find one guy in this little town that I actually like hanging out with, could be because he lives alone and have home cinema in a town without a cinema or any other entertainment, could be.

My baby boy is more popular with the ladies than I ever was, sometimes it feels like he is the main attraction of the town. Everyone asks about him, everyone have a story about him. I guess I have to admit, small towns are really great for a kid.

We are financially stable and made couple of friends, I still miss my home town considering there is nothing really to do around here. Or so I thought, wrong again.

We visited my parents in Cleveland about a week ago, was a great trip and it was great to see my town again. Except it felt like there were huge crowds everywhere, and too many cars, not to mention the noise during the night from the road and people partying. It was that night when I realized I got infected by a small town, and that I enjoy nearly all the things it provides.

Job

Ladies and gentleman we have scored a job!

Which is in Erie… which is nearly one hour drive away… which is AMAZING. Every time I’m driving out of Chautauqua I pretend like its for good and my heart starts feeling all warm and fuzzy.

My first day driving to work was especially amazing. As I was driving out of town I saw an older man on the ground in front of his house, he was cleaning the gutters and ended up falling and braking his leg. I stop, go to him, tell him to calm down and I call the ambulance. Still on phone describing situation to guy on the line, hearing help is coming soon. I’m thanking god as I’ve no idea how to help the poor guy.

A garbage truck pulls over, and dudes come out to help. I just shout “Its okay guys, ambulance is on the way!”, but as I keep watching I notice they’re taking stuff out of the truck and… turns out they’re on double duty. This towns garbage men… are EMT’s.

How nice and unique is that huh? I hope I never need to go to hospital around here, god knows what might the doctors second duty be.

Bills

Money, money, money.

As we moved my wife found a job, wasn’t all that hard at the time, being a nurse. But I was a journalist, in middle of nowhere, very useful for this community. Not to a mention there’s a newborn in the house, and a cat trying to figure out what the hell is that thing and why it keeps screaming.

So I figured I would turn to freelancing for a while, and attempt to manage my surprise job as a househusband, yes that’s a thing! The thing about freelancing is that its difficult to score a job, and when you get it its pretty much a short term deal with not too great pay and zero benefits. So time passed and I was only getting couple of dollars here, couple of dollars there. We were in a little financial trouble. What made it awesome is living in a small town where everyone finds out you’re unemployed, so the whole town sits around all day and talks how lazy husband my wife has that only sits at home, drink beer, and spends her hard earned money on iPads.

My wife came home one night two weeks ago saying how her coworker Wendy taped her shoulder and asked if she wanted to talk to someone about her domestic situation. It boggles my mind just what sort of information is circulating in this town. Julia finds everything funny for some reason, but that’s why I love her. My little optimist.